[HAM] You know you are too old to play gigs when...

[Brad Baker]

(from the Cakewalk Sonar forum)

You know you are too old to play gigs when...

1. It becomes more important to find a place on stage for your fan
than your amp.
2. Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf.
3. All your fans leave by 9:30 p.m.
4. All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub
5. You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most
of your playlist
6. Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie
7. You lost the directions to the gig
8. You need your glasses to see the amp settings
9. You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage
10. You feel like hell before the gig even starts.
11. The waitress is your daughter
12. You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers
13. Most of your crowd just sways in their seats
14. You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case
15. You refuse to play without earplugs
16. You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30
17. You check the TV schedule before booking a gig
18. Your gig stool has a back
19. You're related to at least one member in the band
20. You don't let any one sit in
21. You need a nap before the gig
22. After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.
23. During the breaks, you now go to the van to lay down
24. You prefer a music stand with a light
25. You don't recover until Tuesday afternoon
26. You hope the host's speech lasts forever.....
27. You buy amps considering their weight and not their tone or cool factor.
28. Feeling guilty looking at hot women at the bar 'cause they're
younger than your daughter.
29. You can remember seven different club names for the same location ...
30. You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in
7 days and could physically do it
31. You ask the girl in the front row if you could buy her a
drink....she replies
"sure ! I'll have a scotch and wa-wa."
32. Your set list is danceable
33. You think "homey" means cozy and warm
34. You get home @ 3:00 AM, your wife is with the Cable Guy and you don't care
35. You have to look over your glasses to see patch your PA connections
36. At home you have food older than the waitresses
37. You're playing the same venue in three months and you ask the club
owner if you can leave your amp!
38. Most of the band members are a lot younger then you
39. Your son is sitting at the bar, waiting for the gig to end so he
can take you and your stuff home, so he
can finally go back out and party...
40. Your date couldn't make it because she couldn't find a babysitter
for the grandkids...
41. You hope to get home at a decent hour, so you can check the Sonar
forum before hittin' the sack..
42. In consideration of your age, the audience requests some early Rush.
43. On all out of town gigs you draw straws to see who the "designated
driver" will be coming home.
44. You start listing your truss as a "business expense".
45. You forget to take your Flowmax so all sets that night are only 15
minutes long.
46. When you get a "Cease and Desist" letter from the Spandex co.
47. After launching into your best Impression of Peter T....wind mills
people are amazed at the smoke fee coming out of your arm pits ,
so then you decide to step it up and do some Jimi and play some with your teeth
the solos over but the teeth are still holding on to the strings.
48. When you play 2 nights in a row, and the next day your body aches
like you played in the Super Bowl!
49. Or when you play a Wednesday night gig and call into work sick on
Thursday and Friday.
50. When halfway through a song, in a peaceful, quiet, lengthy
orchestral part of the song you dose off to sleep only to be awakened
right on cue as the drummer does a pounding lead-in to the next verse.
51. When you misread the label and end up swallowing about a handful
of ****** instead of aspirin during the gig and finally realize why
all the old ladies are throwing underwear at ya.
52. When the only "Stones" you care about are in your gallbladder or kidney.
53. You have to charge extra money if there are any steps to climb,
because it creates a problem for your mobility scooter!
54. Your hearing has deteriorated so badly that you actually ask the
guitar player to "turn himself up.
55. You call out the next song only to have someone remind you played
it 10 minutes earlier.
56. After a long search you finally find the pair of Kiss boots you
bought new and hid from your self,
you muster up the courage, gingerly climb into them, and then you
remember that you are afraid of heights for the remainder of your life
you have to suffer from the memory of having to call the local Fire
Dept, to get you out of them.
57. Your drugs are keeping you alive rather than killing you.
58. You worry more about breaking a hip than being hip.
59. Musicians half your age are in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame or
have appeared on postage stamps.
60. The only white powder to be found amongst the band members is foot talc.
61. You decide to put your Clapper to good use by placing it near the
bass drum and hooking it up to the strobe light.
62. After seeing some of the new airbrushed centerfolds on guitars
these days you start fancying your self as some sort of rebel
trailblazer for having put a sticker of Betty Boop on your guitar in
the 60's.
63. You look at the song list you provide to clients and realize the
last song you entered under your "top 40" category is Disco Inferno.

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